Since I began this blog, I got to thinking about choices I’ve made in my life. Did they make me happy? Did they make me sad? Do I have any regrets? The answer is yes. Yes to everything. I could go into details about every decision or choice I’ve made, but chances are that’d just bore you to tears. There is one choice I made in my youth that I don’t know if it was good or bad. I regret it and at the same time I don’t. I know, confusing, but this choice changed how high school played out for me.
It all sprouted from a choice I made in regards to a friend, a very good friend. And of all things it was over a Backstreet Boys poster. Yes, a poster. Here’s the whole situation, how it unfolded. We were 12 years old at the time, just hanging out in my bedroom. My walls were covered in posters and I had just gotten a new tween magazine, which meant new posters! My friend “Suzie” was a big fan of AJ from BSB. There was a miss-communication about the poster. I had said she could have AJ from the poster. He was on the end so I could cut him off easily. Suzie had thought I said she could have the whole poster.
So when my poster went missing and I discovered she had it, I was upset. Then I did something really stupid. I told a mutual friend that I was going to spread a rumour about her not being trustworthy because she stole my poster. Before I could even start the rumour, she found out and gave me the poster back. I felt terrible, I apologized and cut off the end of the poster and gave it to her. But the damage was done. Our friendship was over. We had been friends since we were in JK. She lived just 3 houses away. We did everything together, we played sports together, we were practically joined at the hip! But all of that was gone. There was no repairing the damage that was done.
I regret that so much. I regret hurting my friend like that. I went from being friends with all the “normal” kids to being an outcast. And I paid for my decision. I was teased and tormented beyond belief. I was a joke to everyone else. It didn’t help that I was born with a nose too large for my face and that some asshole a year older than me gave me the nickname of Pinocchio. Kids can be so mean. I even at one point contemplated suicide. I was only 13 and I wanted to die. I wanted the name calling to stop. I wanted to be free of the pain. It didn’t help that I internalize a lot of my feelings, so my parent’s never knew how I really felt, how I suffered.
My lowest day was in grade 8 on April Fools. A girl, “Kerry,” whom I thought I could trust poured itching powder down my back. She claimed she was trying to fix my hair but I could hear her pouring something. During lunch break everyone teased me about it, saying things like “Oh isn’t it itchy today?” and laughing at me. I didn’t understand why they felt that had to be so mean, what did I ever do to them? Would this have happened if that silly poster never happened? Chances are I would have had an easier time. I would of still been friends with the “popular” kids.
High school would have played out so much differently if that fight never happened. I probably would have been happier. I wouldn’t have met “Christine” and been so horribly betrayed by her. But then, if I had of still been friends with Suzie, I don’t know if I would have ever met my husband. There’s a lot of people who I became friends with in High school because I wasn’t one of the popular kids. There’s so many friendships that I would of missed out on, and I wouldn’t want to lose any of them. There are some people I wish I never met, like Christine, because what she did to me made it very hard for me to trust anyone. Christine hurt me on a whole different level. She even turned some of my best friends against me.
I’ll go into what Christine did to me some other time. I feel like I’ve gotten off topic now.
But you see, I don’t know if I can say I regret my choice about Suzie. Chances are, someone else would have still hurt me like Christine did. High school is full of drama, and there’s always going to be someone who hurts or betrays you.